


Say It Back Just This Once

by Fake_Ruby



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: 5+1 Things, M/M, Pining Bucky Barnes, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Pre-Captain America: The First Avenger, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-20
Updated: 2016-06-20
Packaged: 2018-07-16 07:29:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7258204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fake_Ruby/pseuds/Fake_Ruby
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five times Bucky told Steve he loved him, and the one time Steve finally said it back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Say It Back Just This Once

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this at 4 in the morning I'm sorry

They're eight years old. Running around in the park by their apartment building. They generally play house and today they want to pretend to be knights.  
  
"But there has to be a princess," Steve is saying.  
  
"No, we can both be knights and we can protect each other."  
  
"Bucky, that's not how it works." Steve whines.  
  
"Well if you want there to be a princess so bad then you can be the princess." Bucky replies.  
  
"No! I don't want to be a princess." Steve pouts.  
  
"Fine, then we'll both be knights and I'll let you save me."  
  
"Fine."  
  
And then they're off, sparring with one another and slaying dragons.  
  
"Stevie, save me!" Bucky shouts, pretending to be cornered.  
  
Steve puts on a dramatic fight, defeating the dragon and making his way over to Bucky. He holds out a hand and Bucky takes it.  
  
"Thank you for saving me!" Bucky says exageratedly. "My knight in shining armor." Bucky says, hand placed mockingly over his chest. Then he throws his arms around Steve and places a sloppy kiss on Steve's cheek.  
  
"Ewwww!" Steve groans, wiping at his cheek and pushing Bucky away.  
  
"But Stevie, I love you!" Bucky exclaims. Steve just rolls his eyes and they break into giggles.  
  
"Hey, let's be pirates now!" and they begin their next adventure.

 

***

The next time Bucky tells Steve he loves him, they're fifteen years old. Bucky knows that his love for Steve is more than just the love best friends should have for each other, so he makes sure he talks about girls a lot. Maybe too much.  
  
But Steve is sick. Bad. He always is, but that doesn't make it any less scary.  
  
Sarah Rogers sits Bucky down on the little couch and explains the situation. "I don't think Steve is gonna make it this time," she tells him softly, then holds him as he sobs.  
  
When Bucky finally recovers, he goes into Steve's bedroom. He sits next to Steve and holds his hand, looking down at his frail, sleeping form.  
  
At some point Bucky falls asleep and when he next wakes up, it's dark. Steve's awake, and Bucky gives him a small smile. Steve lightly squeezes his hand.  
  
"Save your strength," Bucky murmurs, caressing Steve's face. He begins stroking Steve's sweaty hair and Steve moans, his eyelids flittering shut. He opens his mouth but can't manage a sound.  
  
"Shhhhhh," Bucky hushes him, not wanting Steve to strain himself in the least. "It's okay."  
  
Bucky leans over and presses a chaste kiss to Steve's forehead.  
  
"I love you," Bucky murmurs, his voice cracking. Luckily or unluckily, Steve is already asleep. Bucky stays awake the rest of the night watching over him, afraid that if he falls asleep too, he'll be the only one of them to wake up.  
  
Miraculously, Steve survives. And Bucky thanks his lucky stars that Steve's still here, and that he didn't hear the secret Bucky had whispered to him in the darkness of Steve's room.

*** 

The third time Bucky says it, there's no excuse. He managed to pass it off as a joke, but he still curses himself for slipping up.  
  
They're seventeen years old and Steve is upset about girls not being interested in him. He's moping around with a frown that would be cute if Steve wasn't so genuinely upset.  
  
"No one will ever love me!" Steve says dramatically, and flops down on the couch.  
  
"I love you." Bucky states. It slips out of his mouth, and Steve's head snaps up, eyes wide.  
  
"Wha..."  
  
"Yeah, I'll be your dame." Bucky replies jokingly, puckering his lips for extra effect.  
  
"Don't joke about that." Steve says forcefully, looking genuinely angry.  
  
And yeah Bucky's an ass. And also knows for certain he can never genuinely confess to Steve. Not that he thinks Steve's comment is because he's actually homophobic, but he certainly doesn't appreciate even jokes about being homosexual. It hurts Bucky, even though he knows it's his fault. Him and his stupid mouth. Besides, he's supposed to be comforting Steve right now.  
  
"Sorry." Bucky says. "But seriously, you're a good guy. And someday a beautiful dame is gonna see that."  
  
"Thanks Buck," Steve sighs.  
  
They sit in silence after that, both deep in thought. Bucky scolding himself and trying to contain his emotions. Why does he have to be in love with Steve? Strong, brave, kind, talented, Steve. Bucky's best friend, Steve. Bucky's male best friend Steve. Bucky sighs and stares at his feet, dreaming of actually being with Steve and then giving all the reasons it will never happen, completely clueless to the fact that Steve is having similar thoughts.

*** 

The fourth time it happens, Bucky is drunk. And really, how could he have let himself get drunk around Steve? But they're nineteen years old and had scrounged up enough money to buy some booze.  
  
They're lounging in Steve's living room, talking about everything and nothing. Steve looks beautiful. Sleeves rolled up past his bony elbows. Skin pale as porcelain. His red lips are wet and his eyes are shining. Blonde hair washed out in the moonlight seeping through the window. Bucky is looking at him fondly, admiring the handsome man he gets to call his best friend. He does this a lot. Stares at Steve as he draws, or cooks, or cleans. And normally he has enough self control to keep his thoughts to himself. But with the alcohol, his feelings are too great to keep to himself.  
  
"I love you." Bucky blurts out.  
  
Steve startles out of the trance he was in, turning his beautiful eyes from the floor to Bucky. "Huh?"  
  
"You're a good friend." Bucky says, poking Steve's cheek, deciding to play the overly-affectionate-drunk-friend card.  
  
Bucky thinks he sees a flicker of... disappointment? in Steve's eyes, but then he's sighing and saying "You're drunk, Buck," and hauling Bucky to his feet to lay him down on the couch. He spreads a blanket over him and grabs a glass of water, forcing Bucky to sip at it.  
  
"Goodnight Buck." 

*** 

The fifth time Bucky tells Steve, he's positive that Steve doesn't hear. But he's not around for a response anyway.  
  
Bucky was reaching his hand out, stretching it as far as he could.  
  
And then he's falling. Screaming. Cool air rushing past him. The icy cold tearing through his jacket but he's numb to any of his physical feelings. Only seeing Steve's face, hearing his voice.  
  
"I love you," Bucky tells the cliff.  
  
And then there's pain. Worse than anything he's felt before. And he knows there's blood, sees it painting the snow. And he can't move his left arm. His last thought is Steve and then he passes out from the pain.  
  
And that pretty much sums up the next seventy years.  
  
Pain. Cold. Unconsciousness.

*** 

Bucky has regained all his memories and has been living with Steve for a month. All the old feelings are back, but it's even worse. Because now he's completely fucked up and undeserving of Steve's love. As if he ever had a chance in the first place.  
  
Steve looks at him with concern from across the table.  
  
"Everything okay?" he asks.  
  
"Other than the fact I have to stare at your dumb face? Yeah."  
  
Steve smiles at him fondly, and Bucky wishes he could tell Steve how he felt. Wishes Steve would feel the same way.  
  
That night, when he wakes from a nightmare, his hands are around Steve's throat.  
  
Bucky jumps back, horrified at himself, and slinks into the shadowy corner of the room Steve had given him.  
  
"Stay away from me."  
  
"Bucky, it's okay. I'm okay."  
  
"No," Bucky whimpers. "I can't risk you."  
  
Steve approaches him slowly, arms held out in front of him.  
  
"I can fend for myself," Steve says, almost to Bucky now.  
  
"Because you did such a great job on the helicarrier," Bucky spits out.  
  
Steve has reached him now, and is putting his arms around Bucky. He begins to rock him, whispering calming things into Bucky's ear.  
  
"Why do you let me stay here?" Bucky whispers. "How can you even look at me?"  
  
"I told you," Steve says, "I'm with you till the end of the line."  
  
Bucky falls asleep against Steve's chest, tear tracks down his cheeks and stains on Steve's shirt.  
  
Bucky wakes up in his bed, snuggled against Steve and wishing he deserved it.  
  
Steve smiles down at him.  
  
"Morning sunshine, want to get some breakfast?" And it's like Bucky didn't try to kill Steve last night, they just go about their day like normal. And why is this normal? Steve is too good for Bucky. Always has been.  
  
A week later, he wakes up with a knife to Steve's throat, and it's too much, he can't keep putting Steve in harm's way. He spent his whole life protecting him, and now he's the reason Steve needs protection.  
  
"I think I should leave," Bucky says the next morning at breakfast. Steve drops his fork and looks up at Bucky.  
  
"You want to leave?" he asks, sounding hurt.  
  
"I can't keep hurting you." Bucky says simply.  
  
"You haven't hurt me yet Buck. And we can get through this! It's been barely more than a month!"  
  
Bucky shakes his head.  
  
"It's only a matter of time until I kill you before waking up."  
  
"Buck..."  
  
"I'm gonna go pack." Bucky says, standing and heading to his bedroom before Steve can protest.  
  
He's just put the last of his clothes into a bag when Steve appears in the doorway.  
  
"I'm not gonna make you stay Buck." And that kind of hurts, but Bucky know he deserves it. "But I'm not gonna let you leave because of me."  
  
"Steve, you don't even know half of the shit I've done."  
  
"I don't care Buck, it wasn't you."  
  
"But it was." Bucky replies sadly. "I don't want to hurt you Steve. I can't. So please don't try to find me."  
  
"Buck-"  
  
"No Stevie. I can't stay around and put you in danger. And I definitely can't stay around to see your disgust when you find out..."  
  
"What Buck? That Hydra forced you to kill? I know that! And I don't care! You're my best friend!"  
  
Bucky flinches at that but doesn't respond, he just shoulder his way past Steve into the hallway and walks to the door.  
  
"Buck please." Steve sounds heartbroken.  
  
Bucky has to tell him. Steve at least deserves to understand. And oh how he wishes Steve will say it back, just this once. But he knows better.  
  
"I love you, Stevie." There are tears in Bucky's eyes, and he wills them not to fall.  
  
"And I love you too Buck."  
  
"No. You don't understand. I'm in love with you. I have been for forever. I'm sorry."  
  
Steve looks like he's been slapped, and that's what Bucky spent most of his life trying to avoid.  
  
"Goodbye Stevie."  
  
"Wait! Buck, no. Don't be sorry. Is this what you thought I'd be disgusted about?"  
  
Bucky stares at his shoes and nods.  
  
"Buck..." Steve steps forward and places his hand on Bucky's face, slowly pushing his chin up.  
  
"Like I said before. I love you too." And if Bucky wasn't already surprised by not having been kicked out yet, he's definitely surprised when Steve leans down and kisses him. Softly and lovingly and it's better than Bucky could have ever imagined.  
  
When they pull back Bucky just stares in shock, and Steve smiles shyly.  
  
"I love you Buck, till the end of the line."  
  
"Till the end of the line, Stevie," Bucky murmurs back, still not quite comprehending what happened.  
  
Steve loves him.  
  
Steve is in love with him.  
  
And has been for as long as Bucky.  
  
Bucky replays events from their life, realizing now that Steve was never grossed out by Bucky's proclamations, just disappointed when he took them back. Bucky breaks into a grin.  
  
"So you'll stay?" Steve asks hopefully.  
  
"Yeah. I'll stay." And the grin that breaks out on Steve's face makes everything worth it. All the work he'll have to put in, the long road to recovery. But he'll have Steve by his side throughout it all.  
  
They're both smiling like idiots and Bucky pulls Steve into a hug. They stay there for a long time, holding on tight and Bucky whispers I love you. And Steve says it back. Again and again.  
  
Till the end of the line.

**Author's Note:**

> So I hope you liked it ?? Never written this ship before so I hope the characterization was okay and that overall it wasn't too bad. Thanks for reading!


End file.
